Some days I feel like yelling at God or whoever it is who did this to me, who gave me cancer or let me get it, whichever way it works. It's not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this. No one who gets cancer has done anything to deserve it. I just want my life back, my normal life, boring as it was. I don't want to wonder if the chemo really worked, if the radiation is going to help, what the side effects are going to be like. I definitely don't want to wonder if the cancer is going to come back or when or what that's going to be like, or if I'm going to be around to get to know my little niece or nephew as he or she gets older. I'm 31. I should be wondering if that cute guy at work is dating anyone, not wondering if I'll ever find anyone who's willing to date someone with cancer.

Mostly, I'm as positive about this as any person can be. I know that I'm very lucky in so many ways. I've got a great job where they've been so good about letting me take time off when I need to. I've got great insurance that's made it possible for me to not go into huge amounts of debt through all this. I've got family and friends who love me and are doing everything they can to help me through this, and I've got people I've never even met, who are just friends of friends of friends, who are praying for me. I've got a doctor who I trust and who takes the time to answer all my questions, even my really paranoid ones. However, none of this makes up for the fear and the anger. No one deserves to have to deal with this.

I apologize if I sound a bit whiny. I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about all this. It's kind of weird, for several months I didn't really feel much of anything most of the time, and when I did feel something, it was fear. I still feel fear, but I'm branching out some, into anger and occasional bouts of self pity. I think it's an improvement, maybe, although neither emotion is one I'd choose to have if I could find a way to avoid it.