I've done two days of radiation now. It's not bad. I'm tired, but I think it's an emotional thing as much as physical. They assured me I won't notice any effects for about two weeks, so I have to assume what I'm feeling is not really an actual effect of the radiation, and I think it makes sense to think of it as an emotional response to all of this. I spent so much time worrying about what would happen and getting worked up over it, just the fact that I'd actually done the first one was a relief in a way, even though I'm still worried about it.

I'm just ready for all of this to be over, although I know I'll still worry about a recurrence, and I'll probably be nervous before every test. I don't know how you could not be nervous, especially at first. I just really hope that everything has worked and the cancer isn't growing right now. I know the CA-125 numbers were going down while I was on chemo, which is good, but they're not checking them now, I guess until I'm done with radiation. It sucks that I wouldn't even know if it was growing, so I just have to trust that it's not. I'm not good at trusting what I can't see. I know the doctor said it's likely to come back at some point because it's aggressive, but I hope it waits a while. I don't think I could handle it if it came back immediately after I stopped treatment. I know I don't really get a choice, and that's how it works for some people, but it's definitely not what I'd choose.