I realized it's been a while since I posted anything, so I thought I'd just drop by and put in an update. So far, Weight Watchers is going well - I've lost 8 pounds. Not bad, especially considering I still haven't been exercising like I should. I'm going to start soon, I swear. Talking with a counselor every week has been, well, interesting, I guess. I've started to realize that I can be very negative about myself, and that I tend to ignore my feelings a lot. I'm not quite sure how to fix that, but it's only been a few weeks, so hopefully I'll gain more insight and some knowledge of how to fix things in the coming months.
I've been reading a lot, after not reading much at all in January. I've finished a couple of P.D. James' mysteries, a biography of George Washington, another Discworld novel, Coraline by Neil Gaiman (more of a kids' book, really, but the movie looked intriguing and I wanted to read it before I see the movie), and now I'm working on Arabian Nights. I've enjoyed all of them, although the George Washington bio was a little slow starting out and I didn't really get into it until close to halfway through it. I think I'm going to try to go see the movie Coraline sometime this weekend. It doesn't look like it follows the book, but I'm hoping it will still be good. I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Arabian Nights, except that I was buying some other Barnes & Noble classics, and they were buy two get one free or something like that, so I picked it up as my free one, since I've never read it. I'm enjoying it, but it can get confusing, keeping up with all the stories within stories within stories.
Anyway, I don't really have much to say, so I guess that's it for now.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
January 31, 2009
It's a very quiet, boring Saturday. But that's okay, I'm good with boring. I have a million things I ought to be doing now, and I'm just not in the mood for any of it.
Earlier, I tried to put harnesses on the cats. I'd like them to get used to the harnesses, so I could put a leash on them and take them outside. That's the only way I'm going to let them outside, so I can keep an eye on them, and I think they'd like it, but they think the harnesses are torture. Peanut got his twisted around so that the part you attach a leash to was down on his chest instead of up on his back, and Cashew somehow managed to unfasten his, although he couldn't get it completely off. I don't know how either of them managed it.
I had a CT scan Thursday. The doctor had talked to me about it when I was there, and said I didn't have to do one, but that since I've gained weight there's more chance he could miss something important in just a physical exam, so being more than a little paranoid anyway, I said, yes, let's go ahead and do it. I had to drink that yucky barium stuff (berry flavored this time) and I have bruises on both arms now where they tried to put in the IV for the contrast, but the scan was all clear, so it's all okay. Now I can relax and not worry too much, at least until the next appointment in April. It's been 18 months that I've been cancer-free now. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.
So, the weight gain thing. I don't even like to think about it, it's depressing and more than a little embarassing that I've managed to gain this much, this quickly. When I first saw my oncologist back in December of 2006, I weighed 216 lbs and had just spent the last three years losing almost 80 pounds. When I went to see him last week, he pointed out that I've gained 99 lbs since then. The really sad thing is, I had restarted Weight Watchers the week before that appointment and gone for my second meeting the day before that appointment, where I found out I'd lost about three pounds, so I'd really gained a little more than that. I'm not entirely sure what happened. For a while, I just really didn't care what I ate (understandable when you realize that the first thing I thought when I was told I had cancer was, oh my god, I'm gonna die. What does an extra brownie or two matter if on some level you think you're going to die anyway?) Then, no matter how good my intentions were - and I really did intend to be good, and eat organic fruits and veggies, and all that stuff - I just never seemed to be able to follow through on it. I didn't have the energy or the desire to cook anything more difficult than a tv dinner, and even as I got more energy, I just didn't feel like messing with it. I am feeling better now, and I think I'll be able to stick to WW now.
I go see a counselor next week. The first time I see her is for a survey they're doing of cancer survivors, but I am going to talk to her about counseling and how that works and everything. I think that may help some, but I kind of wonder why I didn't do it sooner, because now looking back over the last couple of years, I wonder if it wouldn't have helped to have someone to talk to. I also wonder why no one in the oncologist's office, where they saw me every three weeks while I went through chemo, and every three months once I was done with treatment, ever said, hey, you should go talk to someone. And by the way, did you know you're gaining weight? Is it not part of their job to notice these things? I don't know. I know it's not their fault that I gained weight, after all, I'm the one that was eating the food, but I wonder if they didn't notice, or if they were too polite to say anything, or if they just figured it was my problem and not theirs?
Anyway, I think I've griped enough for one day. I'll try to come up with something more cheerful next time.
Earlier, I tried to put harnesses on the cats. I'd like them to get used to the harnesses, so I could put a leash on them and take them outside. That's the only way I'm going to let them outside, so I can keep an eye on them, and I think they'd like it, but they think the harnesses are torture. Peanut got his twisted around so that the part you attach a leash to was down on his chest instead of up on his back, and Cashew somehow managed to unfasten his, although he couldn't get it completely off. I don't know how either of them managed it.
I had a CT scan Thursday. The doctor had talked to me about it when I was there, and said I didn't have to do one, but that since I've gained weight there's more chance he could miss something important in just a physical exam, so being more than a little paranoid anyway, I said, yes, let's go ahead and do it. I had to drink that yucky barium stuff (berry flavored this time) and I have bruises on both arms now where they tried to put in the IV for the contrast, but the scan was all clear, so it's all okay. Now I can relax and not worry too much, at least until the next appointment in April. It's been 18 months that I've been cancer-free now. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.
So, the weight gain thing. I don't even like to think about it, it's depressing and more than a little embarassing that I've managed to gain this much, this quickly. When I first saw my oncologist back in December of 2006, I weighed 216 lbs and had just spent the last three years losing almost 80 pounds. When I went to see him last week, he pointed out that I've gained 99 lbs since then. The really sad thing is, I had restarted Weight Watchers the week before that appointment and gone for my second meeting the day before that appointment, where I found out I'd lost about three pounds, so I'd really gained a little more than that. I'm not entirely sure what happened. For a while, I just really didn't care what I ate (understandable when you realize that the first thing I thought when I was told I had cancer was, oh my god, I'm gonna die. What does an extra brownie or two matter if on some level you think you're going to die anyway?) Then, no matter how good my intentions were - and I really did intend to be good, and eat organic fruits and veggies, and all that stuff - I just never seemed to be able to follow through on it. I didn't have the energy or the desire to cook anything more difficult than a tv dinner, and even as I got more energy, I just didn't feel like messing with it. I am feeling better now, and I think I'll be able to stick to WW now.
I go see a counselor next week. The first time I see her is for a survey they're doing of cancer survivors, but I am going to talk to her about counseling and how that works and everything. I think that may help some, but I kind of wonder why I didn't do it sooner, because now looking back over the last couple of years, I wonder if it wouldn't have helped to have someone to talk to. I also wonder why no one in the oncologist's office, where they saw me every three weeks while I went through chemo, and every three months once I was done with treatment, ever said, hey, you should go talk to someone. And by the way, did you know you're gaining weight? Is it not part of their job to notice these things? I don't know. I know it's not their fault that I gained weight, after all, I'm the one that was eating the food, but I wonder if they didn't notice, or if they were too polite to say anything, or if they just figured it was my problem and not theirs?
Anyway, I think I've griped enough for one day. I'll try to come up with something more cheerful next time.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth
I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth, it's just that every time I've logged on here thinking I'd post something, I haven't had much to say and decided it was better to just skip it.
I went to the doctor yesterday. My CA-125 test came back a 4, well within the normal range, which is anything below 35. But it's still up slightly from three months ago, when it was a 2, so I keep having to tell myself, it's normal, don't worry about it. He asked me if I wanted to do a CT scan, saying there's no reason to think I need one, but since I've put on weight, there's more chance he won't be able to feel if something's not right during the physical exam. I said it made sense to do it, just to make sure there's nothing going on, so I'll go next week for that. I'm not sure why he mentioned it now since he said before, after I was done with treatment and officially cancer-free, that we didn't need to do CT scans regularly, but assuming there really is nothing on the scan, it'll make me feel better, just because I tend to think that checking everything is good so we don't miss anything that's there. Not to mention, I can be a little paranoid, so anything that might calm my (hopefully) irrational fears is good.
Leeza - I haven't read any Anne Lamott, although they look intriguing and I'm going to keep an eye out for them next time I'm at the bookstore. I don't know if you'd like them, but I love Carole Nelson Douglas's Midnight Louie mysteries and her Irene Adler mysteries too. The Aunt Dimity stories by Nancy Atherton are good too, and they're very quick reads.
Anyway, I'll leave you with a picture of my nephew, the cutest 18-month-old in the world, at least in my opinion. He likes to make funny faces now.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
December 27, 2008
Well, Christmas is over. I took the whole week off, and yet I still didn't accomplish much of anything. It was a nice holiday, although I never did feel very Christmasy this year.
I didn't manage to finish the 50,000 word Nanowrimo novel, but I have a better idea of what I'd need to do to write that much, so maybe I'll try again next year. I'm not sure I'll ever manage it, but you never know. Everything I came up with sounded too much like stuff that's already been written.
My three-month checkup is next month. It's nerve-wracking, waiting around to hear that everything's okay, wondering if it will be or not.
Anyway, I don't have a lot to say right now, I guess. Maybe I'll think of more later.
I didn't manage to finish the 50,000 word Nanowrimo novel, but I have a better idea of what I'd need to do to write that much, so maybe I'll try again next year. I'm not sure I'll ever manage it, but you never know. Everything I came up with sounded too much like stuff that's already been written.
My three-month checkup is next month. It's nerve-wracking, waiting around to hear that everything's okay, wondering if it will be or not.
Anyway, I don't have a lot to say right now, I guess. Maybe I'll think of more later.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
NaNoWriMo
So, everyone wants to write a novel, right? I guess I do, too, although I have no idea how. But I'm signed up for NaNoWriMo 2008, the National Novel Writing Month. This is thousands of people who sign up to write a 50,000 word novel, starting November 1, in 30 days. No problem, right? That's only 1,666 words a day. Never mind that the last time I wrote several thousand words at once was in college, and those definitely weren't novels, and they weren't anywhere near 50k words.
Anyone got a good plot I can borrow? Because I've got nothing.
I'm off to ponder what to write about.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Not a lot going on right now. I went to the doctor for my three month checkup, and everything was fine. I should feel less stressed now, knowing that, but somehow I'm still worried. But then, I seem to be worried a lot lately, so what's new? Anyway, it's been 15 months that I've been cancer free, so I'm happy about that.
I'm trying to get everything ready to be able to work from home some, but between me procrastinating about it and the fact that I need Dad to come put in my extra phone jack, and then I need to get cable or satellite service, and then I need a TV to put in here next to the computer, it's a little slow. He'll be doing the phone line this weekend, and at least once that's done, I can do some work from home, the shows I don't need to see or wouldn't be able to see anyway.
I'm thinking that next year, I need to take a real vacation, one where I actually go somewhere, and I'm kind of leaning toward a trip to London. I've never been and always wanted to go, and there's no time like the present, right? (Well, not the present right now, but the very near future, anyway.) I don't know anyone who'd be able to go with me, but there's a tour offered by Rick Steves (the travel guy on PBS) that looks intriguing. If I'm going to do that, though, I really need to get back to exercising regularly or I'll never make it through the whole week.
Anyway, it's 1 am and I should really get some sleep, so that's all for now.
I'm trying to get everything ready to be able to work from home some, but between me procrastinating about it and the fact that I need Dad to come put in my extra phone jack, and then I need to get cable or satellite service, and then I need a TV to put in here next to the computer, it's a little slow. He'll be doing the phone line this weekend, and at least once that's done, I can do some work from home, the shows I don't need to see or wouldn't be able to see anyway.
I'm thinking that next year, I need to take a real vacation, one where I actually go somewhere, and I'm kind of leaning toward a trip to London. I've never been and always wanted to go, and there's no time like the present, right? (Well, not the present right now, but the very near future, anyway.) I don't know anyone who'd be able to go with me, but there's a tour offered by Rick Steves (the travel guy on PBS) that looks intriguing. If I'm going to do that, though, I really need to get back to exercising regularly or I'll never make it through the whole week.
Anyway, it's 1 am and I should really get some sleep, so that's all for now.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Random thoughts at 4:30 a.m.
Stupid internet went down. This is from yesterday:
I can't sleep. I had coffee earlier today, but haven't had any caffeine since one o'clock this afternoon, so I don't know if that's it, or if it's something else. I was tired, tried to go to bed, didn't fall asleep, got up, played solitaire on the computer, got tired, tried to go to sleep, didn't fall asleep, and now here I am. I was lying in bed thinking (maybe that's why I couldn't sleep), and just decided I'd get up and post some random thoughts here.
I've been reading the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett over the last few months, I think I'm about halfway through them now. I'm going in order by when they were published, and I've just finished Maskerade. I only found out about these books this year, I started reading about them on LibraryThing, and most of what people said was that overall they were really good, but the first one (Colour of Magic) was not the best and they don't like the character Rincewind, who is featured in that book and some others. Rincewind is a wizard. Well, technically, he's a Wizzard, according to what it says on his hat. He has a talent for staying alive, mostly because he runs away. He has no magical ability, except for the occasional spell that works by accident, and never passed any of his wizard exams, and yet he ends up going on many adventures. His one wish is for a nice, boring life.
I have to say, I like Rincewind. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I sympathize with him. I think a nice, boring, normal life would be wonderful. It's really all I ever wanted, a job I didn't hate, a few good friends, a nice place to live. I've got all of that, so I can't complain too much, but what has made my life less boring, in a not-so-good, I-want-to-run-away-now kind of way, is cancer. Unfortunately, I can't really run away from it, and even though I'm currently cancer free and not undergoing any kind of treatment, I feel like it's still out there, haunting my life. I can't not think about it, although sometimes I forget for a little while. It kind of sneaks up on me when I’m not expecting it. I’ll be driving home from work and burst into tears for no reason, or I’ll start thinking about the future, about maybe meeting someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, and then I wonder, will I meet someone who’ll really be able to accept that the cancer could come back? Who won’t care that I can’t have kids? Who’ll at least try to understand my fears and worries about all of this? I know that no one knows what the future holds, but somehow that uncertainty is more real to me now than it was in the past.
I've been reading the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett over the last few months, I think I'm about halfway through them now. I'm going in order by when they were published, and I've just finished Maskerade. I only found out about these books this year, I started reading about them on LibraryThing, and most of what people said was that overall they were really good, but the first one (Colour of Magic) was not the best and they don't like the character Rincewind, who is featured in that book and some others. Rincewind is a wizard. Well, technically, he's a Wizzard, according to what it says on his hat. He has a talent for staying alive, mostly because he runs away. He has no magical ability, except for the occasional spell that works by accident, and never passed any of his wizard exams, and yet he ends up going on many adventures. His one wish is for a nice, boring life.
I have to say, I like Rincewind. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I sympathize with him. I think a nice, boring, normal life would be wonderful. It's really all I ever wanted, a job I didn't hate, a few good friends, a nice place to live. I've got all of that, so I can't complain too much, but what has made my life less boring, in a not-so-good, I-want-to-run-away-now kind of way, is cancer. Unfortunately, I can't really run away from it, and even though I'm currently cancer free and not undergoing any kind of treatment, I feel like it's still out there, haunting my life. I can't not think about it, although sometimes I forget for a little while. It kind of sneaks up on me when I’m not expecting it. I’ll be driving home from work and burst into tears for no reason, or I’ll start thinking about the future, about maybe meeting someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, and then I wonder, will I meet someone who’ll really be able to accept that the cancer could come back? Who won’t care that I can’t have kids? Who’ll at least try to understand my fears and worries about all of this? I know that no one knows what the future holds, but somehow that uncertainty is more real to me now than it was in the past.
Anyway, that's my random thoughts for now. I should probably get some sleep, if the kitties have settled down. They were so cute earlier today, here's a pic:
Never Mind. Can't get the pic to work, I'll try again later.
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