It's a very quiet, boring Saturday. But that's okay, I'm good with boring. I have a million things I ought to be doing now, and I'm just not in the mood for any of it.
Earlier, I tried to put harnesses on the cats. I'd like them to get used to the harnesses, so I could put a leash on them and take them outside. That's the only way I'm going to let them outside, so I can keep an eye on them, and I think they'd like it, but they think the harnesses are torture. Peanut got his twisted around so that the part you attach a leash to was down on his chest instead of up on his back, and Cashew somehow managed to unfasten his, although he couldn't get it completely off. I don't know how either of them managed it.
I had a CT scan Thursday. The doctor had talked to me about it when I was there, and said I didn't have to do one, but that since I've gained weight there's more chance he could miss something important in just a physical exam, so being more than a little paranoid anyway, I said, yes, let's go ahead and do it. I had to drink that yucky barium stuff (berry flavored this time) and I have bruises on both arms now where they tried to put in the IV for the contrast, but the scan was all clear, so it's all okay. Now I can relax and not worry too much, at least until the next appointment in April. It's been 18 months that I've been cancer-free now. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.
So, the weight gain thing. I don't even like to think about it, it's depressing and more than a little embarassing that I've managed to gain this much, this quickly. When I first saw my oncologist back in December of 2006, I weighed 216 lbs and had just spent the last three years losing almost 80 pounds. When I went to see him last week, he pointed out that I've gained 99 lbs since then. The really sad thing is, I had restarted Weight Watchers the week before that appointment and gone for my second meeting the day before that appointment, where I found out I'd lost about three pounds, so I'd really gained a little more than that. I'm not entirely sure what happened. For a while, I just really didn't care what I ate (understandable when you realize that the first thing I thought when I was told I had cancer was, oh my god, I'm gonna die. What does an extra brownie or two matter if on some level you think you're going to die anyway?) Then, no matter how good my intentions were - and I really did intend to be good, and eat organic fruits and veggies, and all that stuff - I just never seemed to be able to follow through on it. I didn't have the energy or the desire to cook anything more difficult than a tv dinner, and even as I got more energy, I just didn't feel like messing with it. I am feeling better now, and I think I'll be able to stick to WW now.
I go see a counselor next week. The first time I see her is for a survey they're doing of cancer survivors, but I am going to talk to her about counseling and how that works and everything. I think that may help some, but I kind of wonder why I didn't do it sooner, because now looking back over the last couple of years, I wonder if it wouldn't have helped to have someone to talk to. I also wonder why no one in the oncologist's office, where they saw me every three weeks while I went through chemo, and every three months once I was done with treatment, ever said, hey, you should go talk to someone. And by the way, did you know you're gaining weight? Is it not part of their job to notice these things? I don't know. I know it's not their fault that I gained weight, after all, I'm the one that was eating the food, but I wonder if they didn't notice, or if they were too polite to say anything, or if they just figured it was my problem and not theirs?
Anyway, I think I've griped enough for one day. I'll try to come up with something more cheerful next time.
Hi Shannon,
ReplyDeleteWow 2 new updates!
I'm so so glad to hear that your scans all came out fine. That is the most important thing!
I feel for you on the weight thing - Its a struggle for me too, but I'm older than you - I was already in peri-menopause at least so my body didn't have quite the shock that you had, to say nothing of the radiation and chemo which I also didn't have to do.
I've read that weight gain is very very common after a hysterectomy especially when your hormones are so dramatically altered.
I hear you about the lack of support for you with the weight gain - no one said anything? You should have had a whole ton of support for this especially given the incredible effort you had justy put in - I've recently heard that you actually need about 3 years of intense support to maintain a weight loss - to where your body stops frantically trying to recapture what you took away from it. Unfortunately, with health care now everybody only looks at a really small part, we have been conditioned to avoid the topic after all the scolding and nasty comments, and doctors just either avoid the topic or get abusive. arghhh!
I can imagine that you have been feeling so tired - I get the impression that you worked right through all your treatments - in most of the other blogs I've read they take loads of time off and dont work through most of these treatments. You are exhausted. I wonder if your doctors and family just see you as being incredibly strong and then just dismiss it when you seem to falter or complain or need help. I mean obviously you are strong, or could not have done the things you have done. Or maybe you don't like to let anyone see you need help. I think you should allow yourself to be a baby a little, and get what you need.
I've been terrified to step on the scale, but you are inspiring me once again. I have been shoveling snow like crazy here in the northeast - it is so exhilarating and kind of fun (when I don't HAVE to shovel) I never enjoy working out in the gym.
I'm glad you are getting mad! I think you should take up boxing! (since you probably don't have too much snow to shovel in Texas)
here's to restorative rest and kicking ass.
Shannon! You know I'm ALWAYS here. I will drop anything & everything for you - now & always. I figured you WERE talking to someone. I wish I had known you weren't. *I* would've told you to talk to someone. I also think maybe you should htink about finding a church. I know you are a spiritual person & I think being involved in a church, having a pastor to talk to, and other ppl who can be there to lean on.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm happy to come over once/mth & help you do some freezer meals if you want. :) Or you can come join me while I do Luke's. Of course his aren't so much healthy, they're more frugal. ;)