January 31, 2009

It's a very quiet, boring Saturday. But that's okay, I'm good with boring. I have a million things I ought to be doing now, and I'm just not in the mood for any of it.

Earlier, I tried to put harnesses on the cats. I'd like them to get used to the harnesses, so I could put a leash on them and take them outside. That's the only way I'm going to let them outside, so I can keep an eye on them, and I think they'd like it, but they think the harnesses are torture. Peanut got his twisted around so that the part you attach a leash to was down on his chest instead of up on his back, and Cashew somehow managed to unfasten his, although he couldn't get it completely off. I don't know how either of them managed it.

I had a CT scan Thursday. The doctor had talked to me about it when I was there, and said I didn't have to do one, but that since I've gained weight there's more chance he could miss something important in just a physical exam, so being more than a little paranoid anyway, I said, yes, let's go ahead and do it. I had to drink that yucky barium stuff (berry flavored this time) and I have bruises on both arms now where they tried to put in the IV for the contrast, but the scan was all clear, so it's all okay. Now I can relax and not worry too much, at least until the next appointment in April. It's been 18 months that I've been cancer-free now. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.

So, the weight gain thing. I don't even like to think about it, it's depressing and more than a little embarassing that I've managed to gain this much, this quickly. When I first saw my oncologist back in December of 2006, I weighed 216 lbs and had just spent the last three years losing almost 80 pounds. When I went to see him last week, he pointed out that I've gained 99 lbs since then. The really sad thing is, I had restarted Weight Watchers the week before that appointment and gone for my second meeting the day before that appointment, where I found out I'd lost about three pounds, so I'd really gained a little more than that. I'm not entirely sure what happened. For a while, I just really didn't care what I ate (understandable when you realize that the first thing I thought when I was told I had cancer was, oh my god, I'm gonna die. What does an extra brownie or two matter if on some level you think you're going to die anyway?) Then, no matter how good my intentions were - and I really did intend to be good, and eat organic fruits and veggies, and all that stuff - I just never seemed to be able to follow through on it. I didn't have the energy or the desire to cook anything more difficult than a tv dinner, and even as I got more energy, I just didn't feel like messing with it. I am feeling better now, and I think I'll be able to stick to WW now.

I go see a counselor next week. The first time I see her is for a survey they're doing of cancer survivors, but I am going to talk to her about counseling and how that works and everything. I think that may help some, but I kind of wonder why I didn't do it sooner, because now looking back over the last couple of years, I wonder if it wouldn't have helped to have someone to talk to. I also wonder why no one in the oncologist's office, where they saw me every three weeks while I went through chemo, and every three months once I was done with treatment, ever said, hey, you should go talk to someone. And by the way, did you know you're gaining weight? Is it not part of their job to notice these things? I don't know. I know it's not their fault that I gained weight, after all, I'm the one that was eating the food, but I wonder if they didn't notice, or if they were too polite to say anything, or if they just figured it was my problem and not theirs?

Anyway, I think I've griped enough for one day. I'll try to come up with something more cheerful next time.

I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth

I really haven't dropped off the face of the earth, it's just that every time I've logged on here thinking I'd post something, I haven't had much to say and decided it was better to just skip it.

I went to the doctor yesterday. My CA-125 test came back a 4, well within the normal range, which is anything below 35. But it's still up slightly from three months ago, when it was a 2, so I keep having to tell myself, it's normal, don't worry about it. He asked me if I wanted to do a CT scan, saying there's no reason to think I need one, but since I've put on weight, there's more chance he won't be able to feel if something's not right during the physical exam. I said it made sense to do it, just to make sure there's nothing going on, so I'll go next week for that. I'm not sure why he mentioned it now since he said before, after I was done with treatment and officially cancer-free, that we didn't need to do CT scans regularly, but assuming there really is nothing on the scan, it'll make me feel better, just because I tend to think that checking everything is good so we don't miss anything that's there. Not to mention, I can be a little paranoid, so anything that might calm my (hopefully) irrational fears is good.

Leeza - I haven't read any Anne Lamott, although they look intriguing and I'm going to keep an eye out for them next time I'm at the bookstore. I don't know if you'd like them, but I love Carole Nelson Douglas's Midnight Louie mysteries and her Irene Adler mysteries too. The Aunt Dimity stories by Nancy Atherton are good too, and they're very quick reads.

Anyway, I'll leave you with a picture of my nephew, the cutest 18-month-old in the world, at least in my opinion. He likes to make funny faces now.