It's 2 am and I'm up because I can't sleep. Earlier I was thinking about a lot of stuff, and I was crying, and I hate that - and now I'm going to start again. I mean, there's nothing wrong with crying, we all do it sometimes, but I just feel like I spend way too much time on it right now. All week I've been emotional and grumpy and just not quite myself, almost like PMS, except I don't get that anymore, so I don't know what the deal is. I have a theory, one that I really hope is wrong, but I'll just have to wait and see. I think it has to do with going to the dr's office. I had to go back today to get my port flushed -- just to get my port flushed, no blood work, didn't actually see the dr, just the nurse, no big deal, right? I thought it was no big deal. I don't really mind it too much, it's just getting stuck with one more needle, shouldn't be a big deal. But I feel like all week I've gotten more and more agitated. I hope that's not it, because if it is, I'll be like this one week every month leading up to getting the port flushed, not to mention how bad it's going to get when I've actually got to go in for a checkup next month.

Anyway. Hmm. Transitions in writing were never my strong point, so let's go with --
And Now for Something Completely Different.

So I've gone out with this guy a couple of times, and he's nice, and I'm trying not to screw this up, because it's kind of nice to have someone to go out with, but it's really hard, because I'm not good at relationships anyway, and now I feel like I have all this extra emotional baggage -- like I didn't have enough anyway -- and it just seems completely unfair. Unfair to him, I mean. He seems like a nice guy, and here I am being all indecisive and moody and defensive, but I don't know what to do about it. We're communicating mostly by email, which is hard too, because even when I don't mean to, I sound terse and unhappy, and unfortunately, I don't usually realize how it sounds until I've sent it, and then it's too late to do anything about it. We had the "I have cancer" conversation already, although I didn't go into a lot of detail, but at least he knows, and he didn't run away. That's a start. I don't really want to dwell on that one thing, and I really hate talking about cancer if it sounds like I'm using it as an excuse, but I do feel like it's an important part of who I am at the moment, not so much by choice, but because it's just too recent and in many ways ongoing, even though I'm not in treatment now. As my next dr's appointment gets closer, I suspect I'm going to get more nervous and more irritable (and probably more irritating as well) and I want to be able to explain to him how I'm feeling and talk about it, but I don't want it to be the focus of every conversation.

Well, now that I've rambled on and on and on, I think I'm going to go take a bubble bath and try to sleep for a little while.