Well, I haven't written in a while, but there's not a lot going on in my life, really. I'm busy working most of the time, and wondering if I need to keep my job or look for something else. I love the people I work with, and I love my actual job, but some of the office politics involved just drive me nuts, and the way the folks in charge are handling some things just seems downright wrong, although they've been very good to me personally. I just can't decide whether it's bad enough to go to a different job. Plus I have to worry about stuff like insurance now that never seemed like that big a concern before. Anyway, I guess I'll figure it out.

What I'm not sure I'll figure out is the whole dating thing. I've never dated much, and I've never had any kind of serious relationship. I have a lot of trouble letting down my guard enough for people to really get to know me, I always have been like that, and now I think it may be even harder. So this guy I've gone out with a few times is nice. But people keep asking me about it like I'm supposed to know right now if he's Mr. Right, and I just don't know. He's a nice guy. Right now, as long as he's ok with taking it slow, we'll be okay. I feel like I need to tell him more about the cancer and how it's made me feel and how worried I still am sometimes, but I don't want that to be the whole focus of conversation for too long because it's overwhelming to think about for any length of time, even for me, and I've had most of a year to try to come to terms with it. And even though I told him I had cancer, I didn't go into any great detail, so I've still got at least one really, really major point to mention - that I can't have kids. When I told him about the cancer, that was really our first date (unless you count when I met him, but I don't, because I was chicken and dragged my sister along) and somehow a first date doesn't seem like the time to say, oh, hey, by the way, I can't have children. It just seems a little presumptuous somehow to mention it that early. I thought I'd mention it Saturday when we went out (3rd date, if you're wondering), but he started talking about kids and handing stuff down to his first born, and even though I guess that could have been a great opening, somehow it seemed like the wrong time to say anything.

Anyway, I work this coming weekend, so I won't see him until the weekend of 10/6, probably, if then, since apparently he's going camping with a bunch of people he knows. I was invited, but I'm not much of a camper, plus camping with a bunch of people I've never met before really doesn't sound all that appealing.

It's 2 am and I'm up because I can't sleep. Earlier I was thinking about a lot of stuff, and I was crying, and I hate that - and now I'm going to start again. I mean, there's nothing wrong with crying, we all do it sometimes, but I just feel like I spend way too much time on it right now. All week I've been emotional and grumpy and just not quite myself, almost like PMS, except I don't get that anymore, so I don't know what the deal is. I have a theory, one that I really hope is wrong, but I'll just have to wait and see. I think it has to do with going to the dr's office. I had to go back today to get my port flushed -- just to get my port flushed, no blood work, didn't actually see the dr, just the nurse, no big deal, right? I thought it was no big deal. I don't really mind it too much, it's just getting stuck with one more needle, shouldn't be a big deal. But I feel like all week I've gotten more and more agitated. I hope that's not it, because if it is, I'll be like this one week every month leading up to getting the port flushed, not to mention how bad it's going to get when I've actually got to go in for a checkup next month.

Anyway. Hmm. Transitions in writing were never my strong point, so let's go with --
And Now for Something Completely Different.

So I've gone out with this guy a couple of times, and he's nice, and I'm trying not to screw this up, because it's kind of nice to have someone to go out with, but it's really hard, because I'm not good at relationships anyway, and now I feel like I have all this extra emotional baggage -- like I didn't have enough anyway -- and it just seems completely unfair. Unfair to him, I mean. He seems like a nice guy, and here I am being all indecisive and moody and defensive, but I don't know what to do about it. We're communicating mostly by email, which is hard too, because even when I don't mean to, I sound terse and unhappy, and unfortunately, I don't usually realize how it sounds until I've sent it, and then it's too late to do anything about it. We had the "I have cancer" conversation already, although I didn't go into a lot of detail, but at least he knows, and he didn't run away. That's a start. I don't really want to dwell on that one thing, and I really hate talking about cancer if it sounds like I'm using it as an excuse, but I do feel like it's an important part of who I am at the moment, not so much by choice, but because it's just too recent and in many ways ongoing, even though I'm not in treatment now. As my next dr's appointment gets closer, I suspect I'm going to get more nervous and more irritable (and probably more irritating as well) and I want to be able to explain to him how I'm feeling and talk about it, but I don't want it to be the focus of every conversation.

Well, now that I've rambled on and on and on, I think I'm going to go take a bubble bath and try to sleep for a little while.