Stupid internet went down. This is from yesterday:
I can't sleep. I had coffee earlier today, but haven't had any caffeine since one o'clock this afternoon, so I don't know if that's it, or if it's something else. I was tired, tried to go to bed, didn't fall asleep, got up, played solitaire on the computer, got tired, tried to go to sleep, didn't fall asleep, and now here I am. I was lying in bed thinking (maybe that's why I couldn't sleep), and just decided I'd get up and post some random thoughts here.
I've been reading the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett over the last few months, I think I'm about halfway through them now. I'm going in order by when they were published, and I've just finished Maskerade. I only found out about these books this year, I started reading about them on LibraryThing, and most of what people said was that overall they were really good, but the first one (Colour of Magic) was not the best and they don't like the character Rincewind, who is featured in that book and some others. Rincewind is a wizard. Well, technically, he's a Wizzard, according to what it says on his hat. He has a talent for staying alive, mostly because he runs away. He has no magical ability, except for the occasional spell that works by accident, and never passed any of his wizard exams, and yet he ends up going on many adventures. His one wish is for a nice, boring life.
I have to say, I like Rincewind. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I sympathize with him. I think a nice, boring, normal life would be wonderful. It's really all I ever wanted, a job I didn't hate, a few good friends, a nice place to live. I've got all of that, so I can't complain too much, but what has made my life less boring, in a not-so-good, I-want-to-run-away-now kind of way, is cancer. Unfortunately, I can't really run away from it, and even though I'm currently cancer free and not undergoing any kind of treatment, I feel like it's still out there, haunting my life. I can't not think about it, although sometimes I forget for a little while. It kind of sneaks up on me when I’m not expecting it. I’ll be driving home from work and burst into tears for no reason, or I’ll start thinking about the future, about maybe meeting someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, and then I wonder, will I meet someone who’ll really be able to accept that the cancer could come back? Who won’t care that I can’t have kids? Who’ll at least try to understand my fears and worries about all of this? I know that no one knows what the future holds, but somehow that uncertainty is more real to me now than it was in the past.
I've been reading the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett over the last few months, I think I'm about halfway through them now. I'm going in order by when they were published, and I've just finished Maskerade. I only found out about these books this year, I started reading about them on LibraryThing, and most of what people said was that overall they were really good, but the first one (Colour of Magic) was not the best and they don't like the character Rincewind, who is featured in that book and some others. Rincewind is a wizard. Well, technically, he's a Wizzard, according to what it says on his hat. He has a talent for staying alive, mostly because he runs away. He has no magical ability, except for the occasional spell that works by accident, and never passed any of his wizard exams, and yet he ends up going on many adventures. His one wish is for a nice, boring life.
I have to say, I like Rincewind. Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that I sympathize with him. I think a nice, boring, normal life would be wonderful. It's really all I ever wanted, a job I didn't hate, a few good friends, a nice place to live. I've got all of that, so I can't complain too much, but what has made my life less boring, in a not-so-good, I-want-to-run-away-now kind of way, is cancer. Unfortunately, I can't really run away from it, and even though I'm currently cancer free and not undergoing any kind of treatment, I feel like it's still out there, haunting my life. I can't not think about it, although sometimes I forget for a little while. It kind of sneaks up on me when I’m not expecting it. I’ll be driving home from work and burst into tears for no reason, or I’ll start thinking about the future, about maybe meeting someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, and then I wonder, will I meet someone who’ll really be able to accept that the cancer could come back? Who won’t care that I can’t have kids? Who’ll at least try to understand my fears and worries about all of this? I know that no one knows what the future holds, but somehow that uncertainty is more real to me now than it was in the past.
Anyway, that's my random thoughts for now. I should probably get some sleep, if the kitties have settled down. They were so cute earlier today, here's a pic:
Never Mind. Can't get the pic to work, I'll try again later.
